My ah-ha moment

My ah-ha moment. Well, I didn't exactly have an ah-ha moment that drove me to embark on this lifestyle change.

But there has been a single driving factor that I think about nearly every day that is slowly motivating me to want to change.

I know its superficial, but I'm putting it out there anyway: I don't like looking at pictures of myself.

About two years ago, I stopped putting pictures of myself up on my personal blog. I couldn't find any pictures I like that didn't have more than 2.5 chins. It became difficult finding a pic in which my face didn't look swollen (like I had been attacked my bees and swelled up like a balloon). My cheeks, my eyes, my chin- it all looks....swollen. Puffy.

A few weeks ago, I came across a friend on Facebook that I haven't seen in years. She's actually not my friend on FB; she's a friend of a friend and her picture came up on my friends profile for some reason. I clicked over and was shocked at how much weight she has gained since I saw her last. As bad as it sounds, I think I actually gasped outloud. I couldn't believe the thoughts that ran through my head, "she's so beautiful, how could she do this to herself?" "She used to be so good and strong and she took care of herself back then. What happened?"

I'm ashamed at the thoughts I had.

Then it hit me; I bet people say the same thing about me.

I've gained about 50 lbs since my wedding in 2004. My face is much rounder, my cheeks and fingers are larger. I look very different. I feel very different, too.

I don't feel like me and I'm embarrassed to meet up with people I haven't seen in several years.

I'm a confident woman. I have a powerful job and I'm on the board of directors for a well known local organization. I'm constantly around people much older than myself and I hold my own regardless of the conversation. I'm well versed in politics, the economy, music, current publications and movies. I could talk to a wall if need be. I'm always humbled when someone is kind enough to comment on how impressed they are with me- being such a "young woman" and all.

It's a real confidence booster. I'm successful and others notice.

But, with as driven as I am, why can't I get control of my weight?

Why can't I take the motivation and success I've had in many other areas and apply that to my lifestyle?

It's so disappointing.

And maddening!

I'm not trying to be super-model skinny, I just need to be healthier. And that means losing the 40+ lbs I've gained over the years. Once I can achieve and maintain that, then I hope the person I feel like on the inside is better reflected on the outside.

P.S. I also saw, via the same FB friend of a friend channel, an old high school friend acquaintance that used to be slightly overweight and she looks fantastic now! She's lost the extra 20+ lbs she carried back when we hung out and I'm envious of what she's accomplished. Is is bad that I use the animosity I feel towards her (she wasn't a very good friend to be honest) to motivate me to get my butt moving a little more??